


How do I find my balance when the Earth won't turn?

by AriadneKurosaki



Series: IchiRuki Month 2020 [6]
Category: Bleach
Genre: Angst, F/M, IchiRuki Month, Rukia reads poetry, they're kind of a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:08:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25741102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AriadneKurosaki/pseuds/AriadneKurosaki
Summary: The world spins too fast, and not at all. They both fall apart in their own ways.
Relationships: Kuchiki Rukia/Kurosaki Ichigo
Series: IchiRuki Month 2020 [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1858906
Comments: 17
Kudos: 38





	1. How do I find my balance when the Earth won't turn?

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Day 6, I see you fall to pieces like a hero
> 
> The title is from The Cruxshadows' "Infinite Tear".

Rukia stays by his bedside for the entire month that he is unconscious. She is peripherally aware of the presence of his family, and of his other friends: Yuzu leaves food for her from time to time, and Karin visits Ichigo’s room to brood and give Rukia the latest manga. Uryuu and Orihime come, but the latter just sobs uncontrollably and finally Rukia can’t take it anymore.

“Orihime, you need to calm down or you’ll make yourself sick,” she says as gently as she can.

“B-but he’s just been lying there for two _weeks!”_ is the response Rukia gets as tears spill down Orihime’s cheeks.

“Yes, but he’ll wake up when he’s ready,” Rukia soothes.

Orihime sobs again and tries to throw herself onto the bed next to Ichigo; Rukia nearly gets a face full of the other girl’s generously sized breasts in her effort to stop her. “ _Orihime_. That’s not going to help Ichigo.” Her voice turns stern and she exchanges a look with Uryuu as Orihime sobs into her shoulder.

“Inoue-san, please try to calm down,” Uryuu suggests quietly. “You’re crushing Kuchiki-san.”

The girl unwraps herself from Rukia but just sobs again. Her eyes are red and swollen and her nose is running.

Rukia just hands her a handkerchief and the girl blubbers into it. “Ishida-san, will you please take Orihime home?” she quietly asks Uryuu.

“Come, Inoue-san,” the Quincy suggests in the gentlest tone Rukia has ever heard him use. “Let’s go have some tea.”

They repeat this dance of tears and coddling twice, and it takes every ounce of patience Rukia has not to scream at her friend instead.

After all, it isn’t _Orihime_ who is comatose and losing her powers.

Most of the time, though, they are alone. Rukia reads to Ichigo until her voice is hoarse. He has lots of books, and she makes her way through several of them during the month he is asleep. The substitute shinigami loves poetry, which Rukia already knew, but she reads to him from a copy of the _Kokinshu_ for a while, reciting _waka_ : “From the firmament the moonlight is so pure, the waters touched by its beams are the first to freeze.”

Later she moves on to Shakespeare’s sonnets, which are more unusual to her eyes and ears, but she quietly reads Sonnet Sixty-Three to him one night when everyone else in the house is asleep: “Against my love shall be, as I am now, with Time’s injurious hand crush’d and o’er-worn; when hours have drain’d his blood and fill’d his brow with lines and wrinkles…” Rukia chokes on the words and it is a long time before she can continue.

When she tires of reading, she instead tells him about what he’s missing in the outside world. She turns him in his bed with Isshin’s help, as she understands that human bodies are prone to something called _bed sores_ if they lie still for too long.

In the dead of night when no one else is there to hear, she tells him that she will miss him.

Finally, Ichigo wakes. For a moment it is almost as if everything is normal: he has lost barely any physical strength and looks at her with those amber eyes that go honey-colored and soft when he asks if she’s okay. He barely seems to notice Orihime, who is sobbing again.

But then it’s clear that – nothing is okay. They stand outside to say goodbye. They don’t touch; they don’t have to. She looks into his eyes and he into hers before he ducks his head.

Rukia can see, can feel, the moment that the last of Ichigo’s reiryoku ebbs away. She vanishes from within his eyes and he slumps but watches her until she is fully gone. She does not think she has ever felt so defeated, despite their victory over Aizen and the Espada. But the battle was always bigger than just the two of them. They are two connected souls – he’s said this, that they are connected, that he can _feel her soul_ , and she believes him. But what are they, against the whole of Soul Society and all the souls of Karakura?

Just a Shinigami with a duty to fulfill and a human boy with no powers.

Rukia does not visit Karakura for months. There is much to do in Soul Society: there are Shinigami to train in order to replace the squad members who fell to Aizen. At least thirty of the Shinigami in Squad Thirteen, which is still in charge of Karakura, request transfers to other divisions. They give different reasons, but Rukia knows that it’s because they now see her division as a risky proposition, rather than the gentle and unified division in Captain Ukitake’s mind.

Five months after the war ends, Ukitake names her as his lieutenant. There is little ceremony to it: he calls her into his office and offers her the badge, telling her that, more than anyone, she has earned it. He ties it around her arm with his own two hands, and just smiles in that positively fatherly way of his as Rangiku, Nanao, and Kiyone appear to carry her off for a celebratory drink. Rukia is pretty sure he arranged it.

Rangiku drags them to her favorite izakaya. The two lieutenants and Rukia’s third seat salute her and together they drink sake.

One drink turns into quite a few more, and eventually Rangiku, her face flushed and eyes heavy from far too much sake, asks Rukia, “So have you been back to see Kurosaki?”

Rukia can’t do more than sputter.

“Can’t you just get a gigai from Urahara? I bet the boy misses you. You don’t take out half the Gotei and rescue a woman from certain death just to be _friends_ ,” Rangiku teases and waggles her eyebrows suggestively.

Rukia’s cheeks are on fire and she gulps down the rest of her sake to keep from answering her friend and fellow lieutenant. “He owed me a debt, and I’m sure he wants a normal life now,” she says when there is no more sake in her cup.

Rangiku just snorts. “I’ve seen the way he looks at you.”

Nanao – staid, solemn Nanao – asks, “And what do _you_ want? Because I’ve seen the way _you_ look at him, and I’m pretty sure you want to climb him like a tree.”

Kiyone is giggling into her cup. Nanao pours more sake for all of them and raises one impeccable eyebrow at Rukia.

Rukia wakes the next morning with the worst hangover she’s ever had.

But Rangiku and Nanao aren’t actually _wrong._ Eight months after Ichigo officially lost his powers, Rukia returns to Karakura. She is careful to stay out of sight and to mask her reiryoku. She doesn’t bother with a gigai but canvasses the city in her spirit form. She knows what day it is in the World of the Living.

The morning after arriving in Karakura, she sees Ichigo for the first time. She is perched high on a lamppost above the cemetery where his mother’s ashes reside. To anyone without reiryoku, she is not there, although the birds avoid her. She has been careful to stay in hiding, reiryoku cloaked, until Ichigo is alone. Isshin, Yuzu, and Karin have already left Masaki’s gravesite and are well out of sight. That’s no surprise – it’s raining, and though it’s not yet a downpour she suspects that one is on the way judging by the ominously dark look of the clouds in the sky.

Ichigo is…obviously not well. He looks like he’s been stretched, both taller and too thin. There are deep shadows beneath his amber eyes and his cheekbones and chin are sharper than they should be. He has let his hair get longer and it hangs in front of his eyes at every opportunity. She can barely hear what he is saying from her height and so she drops down, shamelessly eavesdropping on him.

From this close, it’s clear that he is crying, although the rain falling on his face obscures it. He is whispering and his voice is steady despite that. “There was a war,” he is saying when Rukia gets closer. “We won, but it doesn’t feel that way. I can’t protect anyone anymore. And I can’t…I can’t see _her_.”

It doesn’t take a genius to understand that Ichigo is talking about her. Rukia’s shoulders slump.

“I guess I have to wait until the next life,” he sighs, and there is something so calm and _final_ in his words that Rukia moves before she even thinks about doing so, coming close to him even though she knows he can’t see her.

Her hand presses against his chest lightly and she says quietly, “Don’t, Ichigo. Don’t _think_ about that. Just…” 

He startles as if he can sense her – he can’t, he can’t, she knows he can’t – and hangs his head. “I guess Rukia wouldn’t be happy with me if I did anything to get to Soul Society faster.” He makes a face. “But most days I can’t tell if the world is moving too fast or not turning at all. Either way, I can’t seem to keep up.”

When he leaves the cemetery, she follows. He doesn’t seem to care about the rain and walks home in what becomes a deluge. Karin is there to bully him when he gets sick from strolling through a downpour and doesn’t want to take anything that will help him get better.

Rukia puts on her best Kuchiki Ice Princess face and tells Urahara that Ichigo can’t go on without his powers. When Urahara tells her not to rush him, the mask cracks and she says very quietly, “He is falling to pieces and I am not sure he can wait much longer.”

From behind his fan, Urahara’s eyes hold far too much sympathy as he says, “You will both have to, Kuchiki-san. But I will work as fast as I can.”

“ _I_ am fine,” Rukia lies.

Urahara’s fan flutters slightly. “Of course you are, Kuchiki-san,” he agrees.

And if Rukia feels a little off-balance for another nine months; if she cuts off most of her hair and looks more like her brother every day, well – she is a new lieutenant. If she drinks with Rangiku a little more often than she should, well – there are expectations of her now, more than there ever were before.

It’s not because she misses him.

It’s not because she worries about him.

It’s not because she feels like the world stopped the day she vanished from within his eyes.


	2. All I can focus on is the infinite death that divides us here instead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ichigo carries his demons on his shoulders the way he used to carry Rukia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Day 19, All my demons have your smile
> 
> I consider this a companion piece to "How do I find my balance when the Earth won't turn?", and so am posting this as a second chapter. I am not particularly kind to Isshin and there is some swearing. Please be aware that there are descriptions of self-neglect/self-destructive behavior. Sorry, Ichigo. I'll make it up to you tomorrow.

Ichigo’s demons have been following him since he was nine years old. They take the form of his dead mother: her body blood-soaked as it covers his, torn by a force not of this world. They take the form of _it’s your fault, your fault_ when Yuzu cries for their mother and Karin _stops_ crying. They take the form of a kick and a punch from his father, something Kurosaki Isshin says will toughen him up. Ichigo quickly learns to dodge his father’s aggression, mostly because going to school with fresh bruises makes the teachers ask too many questions.

He is fifteen when the blade of a shinigami – of Kuchiki Rukia – finds his heart and suddenly he is no longer powerless. Ichigo learns that the creature who killed his mother is _Grand Fisher_ , and he settles one of his demons when he maims the hollow.

When Rukia is taken from him, his demons take the shape of shinigami: of a tattooed and short-tempered jerk with hair like a red pineapple, and a haughty noble who stabs him twice to render him powerless. They take the form of _Rukia_ , whose sad smiles break his heart just as much as the memory of her tears as she tells him not to follow her.

_Fuck that_ , he thinks as he uses his demons to fuel his determination to find and rescue her. The demons are laid to rest again as he defeats Renji and Byakuya and rescues Rukia from the flames of the Sokyoku. It doesn’t matter that he almost dies half a dozen times along the way: _Rukia_ is safe, and the rain has stopped.

Later still, his demons change yet again: they take the form of the arrogant Espada who impales Rukia on his fist and the creepy pale one who eventually kidnaps Orihime. Hueco Mundo does little to settle _those_ demons: there is a gap in his memory, no matter that he knows what the aftermath was, of the moment when his hollow took over and destroyed Ulquiorra.

Winning against Aizen is still a loss: Ichigo is suddenly no more than a normal human. Rukia is gone. He can’t protect anyone.

He carries his demons around like so much luggage, bending beneath their weight like a tree in a windstorm. Ichigo doesn’t always bother to dodge his father’s attacks. He doesn’t always bother to eat, either, and Yuzu worries at him every time he skips dinner or breakfast (or both).

Rukia doesn’t visit.

The demons all have her smiles, anyway: the one she gave to him after he rescued her and she decided to stay in Soul Society; the little smirk whenever she was proud of him; the teasing smile she used to cover up their last goodbye. He carries them on broad shoulders the way he used to carry her on his back, but they seem to weigh much more than she does.

Months pass. He gets taller, but when he picks up his new school uniforms for the year his usual size is all wrong and he swaps them out for longer trousers with a smaller waistband. They don’t have a jacket in the right size, and the one they give him hangs on him.

Suddenly it is June again, and Ichigo is at his mother’s gravesite. It’s raining, and the dark clouds above him are heavy with the promise of a downpour.

“There was a girl,” he says, when the rest of his family has started the walk back down the hill. “You’d like her, I think. She gave me the ability to protect Karin and Yuzu – to protect everyone. Her people tried to kill her for it – so I saved her.” He looks up into the sky for a moment and then says, “There was a war. We won, but it doesn’t feel that way. I can’t protect anyone anymore. And I can’t…I can’t see _her._ ” His throat closes and he chokes on the last word, as tears slide down his face and mix with the rain.

Ichigo remembers, for a moment, that last look they shared, and sighs out, “I guess I have to wait until the next life.”

For just a second, he feels – something – pressed against his chest. He startles and his breath comes out in another heavy sigh. He thinks: _Is it mom’s hand? **Rukia’s**? Am I having a heart attack?_

The sensation leaves him, and he huffs out a laugh at his own idiocy. _She_ would call him an idiot for being so fanciful – but is it fanciful to think this way, after being able to see spirits and wielding the powers of a death god?

Ichigo walks home in a torrential downpour and his hair and clothes are soaked through when he arrives. He could have taken a bus or even a taxi, but…why bother?

“Ichi-nii, you need to take your medicine.” Karin’s voice comes in and out, distorting and twisting through the heat of a fever. Ichigo just turns away, damp arm coming up to cover his eyes and switching away when it touches the scorching heat of his forehead.

“I brought a cold cloth and chicken soup.” That’s Yuzu. There’s a flurry of motion by the bedside and cold, wet fabric covers his forehead. The relief from the heat of his fever is immediate and momentary; soon enough it’s just another source of heat that he throws off as he twists uncomfortably in damp sheets.

“Idiot. Who walks home in a downpour? He should have taken the bus,” Karin gripes.

Yuzu’s voice is soft when she says, “Please eat, Ichi-nii.”

In his feverish delirium she is there again, violet eyes looking into his and a gentle smile on her face. “Ichigo, you need to take your medicine and eat Yuzu’s soup. You’ll feel better,” she says in a low voice. Her hand comes up to stroke his cheek, and his eyes drift shut.

“Ru-Rukia?” he gasps out.

His sisters go quiet and when Ichigo manages to open his eyes again they’re looking down at him sadly.

“I’m sorry, Ichi-nii. Rukia-nee isn’t here,” Yuzu whispers. “But she’d want you to take some medicine and get better.”

Ichigo sighs and stares up at the ceiling. Tears trickle unbidden from the corner of each eye. “Sorry,” he rasps out. Eventually he lets Yuzu spoon feed him a little of the soup and takes the fever reducers that Karin pushes into his hand.

The world stops and restarts, spinning ever faster.

He clings to thoughts of Rukia in his delirium. On the night his fever breaks, he muffles sobs into his pillow. She is gone, she is gone, and even the fever-dream of her was better than her absence.

**Author's Note:**

> The waka poem Rukia recites is from the Kokinshu, VI: 316. The Shakespearean sonnet she tries to recite is Sonnet 63.


End file.
